My very ordinary life

So here I find myself, at 3am on a Sunday morning, slouching against my pillow, busy writing into my laptop while attached to it via headphones. I don’t actually feel that tired, I guess if I didn’t have so much on my mind I’d probably be able to sleep alright, but it so happens that my mind is a whiz of, well just stuff, and I though, hey, wouldn’t this make a great blog (you know, kinda pointless, but possible interesting, or not), however not having internet access in my room, ‘til I manage to work out how that piece of equipment sitting downstairs works, I will just have to write now and publish later, to tell the truth I don’t much fancy plodding downstairs through all the dark to sit in a cold room just to publish a pointless piece of writing on the internet, I admit it, I always feel slightly uncomfortable in this house when it’s dark unless I’m in my room, perhaps this all stems from ten years back when I ran through along up the stairs and along the corridor coming from the bathroom, certain that behind me lurked a Rachel-eating monster, created by my over-active imagination and too many ghost stories, plus the creeks and groans didn’t really help, but hey, that’s old houses for you. Thank god for that, I think that was my second full stop of the night, I seem to be addicted to the good old comma!! So anyway, what is it that is keeping me up this early in the morning, munching on cold chocolate (which I had to do the whole creeping downstairs thing to get from the fridge) and listening to good old R&B/Pop (I prefer to refer to it as R&B, but I gotta admit a lot of this probably fits under the pop genre as well!!). College. That’s the simple answer. It doesn’t seem to bother me during the day, only ever when I’m on the verge of sleep and my brain is at it’s most active, coming up with things to keep me awake; and at the moment college is one of it’s favourite issues to worry me with. I’m just so behind, too used to the school lifestyle where if you didn’t do a homework it was easy to come up with some quick lie and you wouldn’t be questioned again, college work is slightly more important, apparently it isn’t so easy to blag your way through you’re A levels as it is your GCSEs! The worrying thing is how close the exams are, I think they start for me in about 2 weeks, no, sooner than that, omigod, the 15th, it’s the 7th today, that means I have 8 days, just over a week, I’m trying to stay calm, but oh my fucking god!! You spend 5 years preparing for GCSEs, and yet I haven’t been at college for half a year and we have exams, important exams, they are modules, so don’t account for the full mark, but I’d rather not fail. And it’s back to college tomorrow, after a lazy 2 and a half week Christmas holiday with so much college work done, or not!! My phone reminded me on Friday morning that I had to email an essay which I hadn’t written to my teacher that day, I have come up with a great excuse – internet crapped up, so I couldn’t email it – however this means I must send the essay tomorrow when I’m at college when I will have internet access, slight issue that I still haven’t written the essay, in fact I have lost the sheet where the essay question is written, and don’t have a clue when on earth I could have chucked it. Sometimes I could strangle myself, why don’t I ever bother to think! Well that’s me, unorganised Rachel, I’ve never been organised, my phone has become my life, it constantly reminds me of important appointments and TV programs I must catch – it’s the only thing which helps to keep me half aware of what is happening, but it won’t make up for my lack of organisation. I mean, just look at my room, a couple of days before Christmas I decided to tidy it (a huge task, and only conquered because of the amazing help of my younger sister – god I love her!!), I got it perfect, but now if you look it, there are clothes, make-up, books, hair straighteners, shopping bags and god knows what else scattered all over the floor, this is made worse by the fact that I also re-tidied it about a week ago!! It isn’t too bad though, and tomorrow when I have a spare 5 minutes I will be able to fold all the clothes into their drawers, scoop all the make-up into my make-up bag, chuck the books onto a shelf, reuse the straighteners so that they need to remain in their designated place on the floor, and pick out the best looking shopping bags to leave casually lying on my desk to have my friends envious of the shops I shop at – ok I’m not particularly shallow, but I’d rather my friends saw a River Island, or Ms Selfrige bag in my room, than a flimsy Tesco one, see I’m not even trying to go for D&G or Gucci – I think a bit of healthy showing off the fact I have enough money to shop at some of the better high street shops is perfectly acceptable, right? Well that was the end of my Cadbury’s with Crunchie chunks, there wasn’t actually that much left, I scoffed most of it earlier this afternoon when I was planning to get on with some college work, but ended up doing a DIY photo shoot with my sister on my MAC’s webcam, me wearing a ridiculously low-cut black top (which should be worn with an underlayer) displaying my one of my sexy new bras, purple lace looking very fetching. That was me yesterday, bra shopping – it was fucking HELL!! Spending ages in a department store having a fitting only to be told they had nothing for me, so off I went to a more specialist shop for the larger lady (bust that is, I have a great figure!! Flat stomach and all, we just don’t venture below the hips!) I did manage to get some good bras there, and it did restore my confidence, especially wearing a well fitted bra again, such a relief, plus the band size had gone down (while the cup had gone up) made me think at least I have the potential to become a glamour model, don’t think I’ll be going for it though!! Dammit, I will never get a job, you know when they ask me what my best quality is my answer is going have to be “Well, I’m a great procrastinator, which is a fantastic quality as it means I can always make up an excuse or useless task so I don’t have to do a more important thing” – wow, I’ve got this whole interview thing sorted!! Thank god I didn’t have to interview for either of my jobs (mainly seeing as my first was a paper round, and my current I got through my friend). But I am a very good procrastinator, say for one I came onto the computer this fine morning to work on the essay I wrote about earlier, and yet here I am writing a blog entry, bloody hell, I don’t even have a blog as I write this! But it is so much more appealing than an essay! I will write the essay, I will have to, although I have kinda made up the title, hoping that it might vaguely resemble the one set, and if it doesn’t, then well the lying part of my brain will have to form a nice, creative lie to explain that away!! Let’s just hope I am at least writing on the right topic!! I almost think that half 3 is not the best time to write an essay – even if it is only to see how my knowledge is progressing, but, well, I’m not about to write it at any other time. So yeah, this is my life at the moment! I can pretty much sum it up inspired by the way someone summed their life up to me in an MSN conversation, no lad, no money and definitely nowhere in the music industry!! Wow, I love MSN conversation, good ones, not those shit ones, you know the – hi, hi, u gd, yh u? yh – they just ain’t worth the electronic pulses transporting them, but the ones which make you laugh, when you confide your innermost secrets to someone, the ones which have you smiling, the ones which are completely ridiculous, the ones written so early in the morning, if read back would make no sense. I miss those conversations. I had so many last summer, staying up ‘til dawn lying in bed on my laptop just MSN’ing. I talked to so many different people, some I knew, some I didn’t, some I knew and never talked to in “real” life. My computer saved some of the conversations, reading them back makes me wanna cry at times, especially ones between me and one certain guy, my perfect guy who I have had the hots for (does anyone say that anymore) for about a year and a quarter now – and it ain’t just an average crush, I am obsessed, sometimes I think I’m over him, but then he talks to me, or I just see him and I’m under again. I don’t think I’m too bad at the moment – I spend ages making myself look good for college in case I bump into him, but there was a time where I couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing him, even when they were open he invaded my mind. He’s to blame, in the holidays he talked to me almost everyday, I told him so goddam much, I confided in him, he made me laugh, he told me stuff to, nothing to personal, but stuff. See normally I wouldn’t talk to him, he’s just above me socially, a friendly person, very good looking – or fit!! – and well cool – I wouldn’t normally describe him as cool, but I guess he is, he has it all sorted. We don’t talk anymore. I should make more of an effort, I’ve never started a conversation with him, I’m just too shy. I’d give anything to get over my shy-ness and there are times when it seems I’m almost cured but it never works, deep down inside my painful shyness takes over me and ruins my life, of course it is all my own fault, but it doesn’t always seem like I could change it, it’s me, I’m Rachel, the quiet one. I won’t let it last though, when with friends, I’m one of the loud ones, I love to talk, I love meeting people and making new friends, I’m a bit of a good girl, but I also like to have a bit of rebellion with my friends, you know, drink a coke and vodka, blag my way into an over-18s club, nothing bad. But the problem is I don’t have any friends. At school I had loads, I didn’t really care for many of them, they just stuck around, but since I left I’ve stopped talking to them at all, and now really only see about two of them, keeping in phone contact with one other who moved away, and at college I don’t really have any friends, I’ve met so many people, but never managed to get remotely close to any of them, not close enough to call them friends really. There are a few that I might be on the way to befriending, but not in the way I used to befriend people. Well I’ve ranted on now for about an hour, and I do feel slightly more relaxed now, not about my exams or lack of friends, or lack of Mr Gorgeous Guy!! But I feel happier to have written about the issues affecting me at the moment, it’s good to get it out!! However it really is time to work on this bloody essay, if it’s gonna be late then it is going to be the greatest bloody essay ever written. At 4am. By me. Hmm, let’s make that the first essay written at 4am by me – oh well, it can still be good :DD So that’s me – I’m out!!

The Magic hour

God dammit, I haven’t even worked out what site to use for my new blog and I’ve already written a new entry. It is now about 6.30am, sleep still hasn’t happened, I got a minimal amount of work done – I made a PowerPoint with essential information for my essay and my upcoming exams – I find this is an effective way for me to learn information, as well as being quite enjoyable for me, though I quickly get bored, and only managed 3 pages, I am never going to get a real job lol though at 16 I guess that shouldn’t be at the top of my list of worries!! You know what I reckon, 5am is a magic time, it’s gotta be, I’ve reached this conclusion as every time I find myself awake at 5am, no matter how alert I was a minute ago I find myself nearly asleep, overwhelmed with tiredness, this is not just a one-off occurrence, it happens all the time. Maybe it is like a certain hour compared to the time I woke up earlier (if you understand that sentence then you deserve an award) say this morning, what time did I get up, not quite sure, but some time between 11 and 12, early bird as always!! So that means that at 5am this morning I reached about 16 hours of awakeness (if my brain still has the ability to do maths, it’s certainly losing it’s ability for writing), hmm, but I don’t always wake up at that time, I don’t really think my theory has particularly strong foundations, oh well. But I am certain there is something about 5am – although have got to say, I don’t really feel tired anymore, my eyes feel strained, so I’m avoiding looking at the screen. But hey it’s all good ‘cause right now R. Kelly is kissing me from feet to head, although I can’t say I’m completely comfortable with the idea, wasn’t he in the news not that long ago for something, can’t remember what, but it wasn’t good – though I get the feeling he likes a younger woman, isn’t he the one who married Aaliyah when she was 15. God knows what I’m on about now, it’s all a huge combination of no sleep and have some of the best male R&B artists singing right into my ear. On the whole I wouldn’t say that male singers do much for me, well I wouldn’t have said that until right now, I mean, ‘cause female singers when they sing about love are usually singing about being with a man, but listening to the likes of Usher and R. Kelly you could almost imagine they are singing direct to you, which at nearing 7am after no sleep is quite nice unfortunately Itunes just decided to play Mariah Carey which kinda ruined my little fantasy there, I would put Usher back on, but she has a fabulous voice, god I envy anyone with half a voice. I don’t know if I can sing, I’d love to have voice training so that if I can sing I’d be able to know how to use my voice – I’m not asking to be able to sing like Mariah Carey, god, I don’t have disillusioned visions of one day gracing a stage and singing professionally, but it would be nice to at least be able to sing decently, for my own satisfaction. It’s all good now, I have just made a new playlist purely of male R&B singers, so no interruptions by the ladies, time for pure dreaming!! Erotic conversation is no substitute for what you do, what I lose when I’m without you. I’ve developed a real thing for R&B recently, hmm, maybe I ought to write briefly about my progression through music. It started as a kid, I had no real taste, I quite enjoyed my Dad’s Cliff Richard, I liked some of the songs we sang at church, nursery rhymes, as I joined school choirs and the Nottingham Music School choir I learnt new songs, you know the likes, show songs Somewhere over the Rainbow and all that, so not much taste there – then I discovered radio, I had my Dad’s old thing, I also began to enjoy Top of the Pops (R.I.P. lol) – you know what before I discovered radio and all that properly, I remembered finding it weird that people sang music for a living, I dunno why I found it weird, it just didn’t seem like the sort of thing you did as a job, it was something fun, I was amazed, I guess it seemed like a good idea to me to have that as a job at the time, not for the fame, but because I loved and still do love singing – anyway the discovery of radio fitted in with Britney Spears (bloody hell, I wanted to by her album on tape!! Tape! My Mum wouldn’t let me, and I eventually bought her second album on CD. But I can’t believe I remember the days when tapes were sold. That’s mental, you wouldn’t imagine walking into WH Smiths today and finding a display of tapes, god even CDs are out of date now!!) and S Club 7, you know, all the people we now claim we never listened to, but at the time we loved them!! Then I came to like Pink, you know pop/rock, it was like a bit of a rebellion for me, can’t remember when I last listened to her though, my music tastes changed, I think it must have been the likes of Kelly Rowland, I’m not sure, but I got to like R&B. Good old, chart topping, commercialised R&B. Then I discovered hip hop, through Ashanti I think it must have been, after that I went a bit crazy and had a massive thing for gangsta rap, 50 Cent, the Game, JA and all that lot – it was like a massive rebellion, my parents hated it, I shouldn’t really be listening to it, the well brought up, church attending child I was, it was exhilarating!! – I calmed down a bit and came across, courtesy of Tim Westwood, British hip hop, grime and general urban music, and I loved it, I’d never come across it before and the more I heard, the more I loved, we’re talking about the end of ’05 at the moment. At the moment though while I love the British stuff, I find that sometimes you can’t beat some relaxed R&B and I refuse to limit myself to a certain genre of music, I quite enjoy some of my Brother’s rock music, I also love a bit of soul, dancehall, jazz, I can listen to some classical – music is beautiful, life without music would be dull and as life itself is so vibrant, music must also be vibrant, and there is no one genre that offers vibrant music, you need a range of genres to get this. What bloody crap am I sprouting now?? You have now had my autobiography through music, and then some crap about music, life and fucking hell, what on earth this lack of sleep thing does to you!! Christ my computer just informed me in it’s friendly, but robotic female voice that it is 7am – shit, it’s morning, tomorrow at this time I will be out of bed, probably already half way through straightening my hair while hurriedly applying make-up, can’t be late for the first day of college after the holidays – although I probably will be!! I am crap at timing, I can’t even do the whole sleeping at night timing thingy right. I am now very aware that I am fucking starving, when did I last eat? Apart from the chocolate, that isn’t really food, I guess it was that curry my Dad made that I had at about 9.30pm, I’m never this hungry after sleeping though – actually I think I read a report earlier on how a good sleep reduces hunger, and seeing as I haven’t slept since yesterday morning, I am starting to agree. I hate winter, back in summer it was already getting light at 5am, and yet today it’s 7am and pitch black :'( I really cannot wait for light to return to this blessed country. You know what I’d love to do one year, spend my Christmas somewhere where it’s summer, I just love summer, it’s such a happy time, casual, sitting in the garden, drinking water, feet dipped in cold water in a paddling pool. Going for walks at 9pm while it is still light. The smell of BBQs and the sound of happy laughter and chatter. You know, I would happily give up Christmas just to NOT have winter. I don’t mind autumn, though I prefer dry winters to ones of rain, like say, this autumn!! Spring is all right, but summer is my love! I’m realistic, I know I’d get fed up of a warm season constantly, so I’m happy to accept autumn as a break from the heat, but please, please no winter!! I guess with Global Warming my dream may well be realised, but that wasn’t really what I was asking for!! I’m so hungry now, if it was summer I wouldn’t be hungry, you rarely are when it’s hot like that!! I’m now trying to decide if I should take the effort to venture downstairs, after all it is most definitely morning – well according to the clock, not by light standards, and oh shit, I am falling asleep! Hmm, this is not going to work, I can’t really afford to have an hours sleep though I might try, but I do really need to be awake today!! Too much work to do!! Well my blog has now become a diary! I’ll be surprised if anyone would bother to read it, but hey, maybe my boring life is of interest to someone. Well I’m going to try and have a quick nap, enerise myself for the day, maybe I’ll wake up again when the light emerges. So good morning folks!! Lol

My very ordinary life

It's 12.23am, I've been watching Desperate Housewives on DVD - yah, I'm depressed, so bare with me!!

A Morning's work